What is Self-Care, Really, and What Can it Look Like?
“Self Care” As a Term is Getting Popular
Interest in self-care has been growing of late. According to Google Trends, the number of searches for “self-care” have doubled since 2015. This month the term was at the center of Olympic discourse with Simone Biles withdrawing from her events for her self-care. “Do your self-care” is a mantra in the mental health field. Its meaning is relatively easy to figure out: take care of yourself.
But what does self care really look like?
But what does that mean, really, and what does it look like? The World Health Organization (WHO) defines self-care as “the ability of individuals, families and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and to cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a healthcare provider.” As you can see, self-care is actually a broad concept that encompasses all aspects of a person’s life including hygiene, nutrition, and even environmental and socioeconomic factors.
In simpler terms, as the medically reviewed everydayhealth.com describes it, self-care is taking care of yourself so you can be healthy, well, do your job, help and care for others, and accomplish the things you want to in a day. As Brighid Courtney of the Wellness Council of America say:
“When self-care is regularly practiced, the benefits are broad and have even been linked to positive health outcomes such as reduced stress, improved immune system, increased productivity, and higher self-esteem.”
Self Care is Not Just “Treating Yourself”
Let’s start by making one thing clear: self-care is not the same as self-indulgence. The rallying cry of social media self-care seems to be “treat yourself!” While treating oneself is certainly an aspect of a solid self-care regime, spa days, booze, and retail therapy are not the end all and be all of self-care. Especially if they are just too expensive for you to do on the regular.
Self-care requires having some understanding of what makes yourself tick. What sorts of things make you feel recharged, replenished, and happy?
Maybe its cooking. Maybe it’s definitely not cooking. Maybe it’s living it up Friday night and then taking Saturday to yourself. Maybe it’s time with your kids and time without your kids. There are those opposites again. I have yet to meet a parent who does not savor both time with and away from their children.
Types of Self Care
As you may have gathered from the WHO definition above there are different types of self-care. Let’s take a look at a few so we can get closer to that answer of what self-care can look like:
Emotional Self-Care
This can include positive self-talk, a monthly massage, weekly bubble bath, saying “no” to things that cause unnecessary stress (including work requests!), scheduling a regular lunch date with a friend, or giving yourself permission to take a break.
Physical Self-Care
Physical self care can mean getting enough sleep on the regular, eating nourishing foods, finding some sort of exercise/physical activity routine that you can actually stick with (make it something you like rather than a chore), and getting your annual physical with your doctor.
Spiritual Self-Care
Spiritual self-care can be attending religious services but it can also be taking time to meditate or find a “guided imagery” video on YouTube, identifying three good things that happen each day, or keeping a gratitude journal or photo series. This can also include spending time in nature or any place that is peaceful for you.
Temporary Self-Care
These are acts or activities wherein you will benefit but the act but the benefit does not last for long after you finish. This could be the social connection of time with a friend or the calming effect of listening to a favorite playlist or taking a ten-minute break at work.
Enduring Self-Care
These acts have longer-term effects. This could mean reducing or quitting cigarettes, regular exercise that maintains muscle tone as you age or strengthens your heart. This could also mean mindfulness practices that over time lead to physical brain changes. Identifying three good things every day is one of my favorite mindfulness practices to teach clients because it is simple to do, takes little time, and has had demonstrable positive effects.
A Quick Aside for Three Good Things
I feel I should explain what this activity is as I have mentioned it twice. “Three good things” is any good thing that happened throughout the day. They do not have to be big like the completion of a project at work. And they are certainly not negatives wrapped in a positive like “My boss didn’t yell at me today.”
They are little things like:
· The sky is blue today.
· I saw a dog.
· I made it through that light before it turned yellow.
· A song I like played on the radio.
· A meme made me laugh.
I encourage clients to write these things down at first. Not necessarily to keep but to take note of and make sure they hit three a day. Over time one becomes able to find the three good things automatically, and frequently it becomes far more than just three things.
Let’s Summarize
At the end of the day, self-care is anything that helps you de-stress, carve out time for yourself, and bring you happiness. Even if it is just stepping outside to take a deep breath – that is quality self-care!
It can also be making daily tasks more enjoyable. You can pick a soap you particularly like the smell of and focus on the physical sensations of showering: the feeling of water hitting your skin, the sound within your shower, the smell of your soap… for even 10 minutes in the shower this is a more mindful and centering way to go about it rather than letting your brain run hog wild over all the stressful things awaiting you today.
Self Care Resources
If you would like more resources on the various ways you can do self-care here are just a few to get your started on this extensive topic:
Self-Care and Self-Compassion from U. of Toledo
9 Signs You Need Better Self-Care and May Be a Trauma Survivor
Taking Mindfulness Walks in the Chicago, IL area
Why Does Self-Care Sometimes Feel So Hard?
Why Self-Care Can Help You Manage Stress
7 Elements of Self-Care from Silver Hill Hospital
Here at Obsidian, our therapists love what we do and we always do our best to give you the best we possibly can. If you ever need help or guidance, please do not hesitate to contact us at the following:
Self-Harm: A Symptom Not A Disorder
Self-harm, also called self-injury, is not an uncommon or new phenomenon. An estimated 2 million Americans engage in some form of self-injury. An analysis across 40 countries identified 17% of all people will self-harm during their lifetimes. The average age of first incident is 13 but individuals as young has 5 have been reported, and although young white women are the typical face of self-injury as many as 35% are men.
It can be very upsetting to learn a friend or family member has engaged in self-harm and difficult to understand. The purpose of this month’s blog post is to educate on what self-harm is and is not, separate the fact from the myths, and to provide some guiding resources on how to help a loved one who is self-harming.
What is Self-Harm?
By definition, self-harm is the deliberate act of harming one’s own body without suicidal intent. That is an important take away from this post: self-harm is not a failed suicide attempt. Self-harm, in many ways, is the anti-suicide. That being said, accidental suicide can happen particularly when an individual is under the influence of a substance. A common cause is cutting deeper than intended.
It is also important to understand that self-injury is not a mental disorder. It is a symptom of deeper distress and is a coping mechanism, which will be elaborated on below.
What are Common Myths about Self Harm?
I am starting off with the myths. I will explain some of these in further detail however, suffice to say, if it is on this list it is not true. For fuller explanations of each of these myths please visit The Recovery Village and this handout from Samaritans.org.
Specific self harm myths –
1) Self-harm is rare.
2) Young people self-harm to fit in.
3) It’s a way to manipulate others.
4) Only “emos” self-harm.
5) It’s just a phase that will soon be grown out of.
6) It’s just a bid for attention.
7) People who self-harm want to die.
8) Self-harm is a failed suicide attempt.
9) Only those who have been sexually abused self-harm.
10) All people who self-harm have been abused.
11) People who self-harm do not feel pain.
12) Self-harm is not treatable.
Why Do People Self-Harm?
In short, a person’s primary reason for self-harm generally fits into two rather broad categories:
1) Feeling too much emotion
2) Not feeling enough emotion
How either of these states comes into being requires a rather long answer. The summary is either a person does not know how to self-regulate their emotions (see point 1) and self-harm helps them with this, or, a person feels so numb inside that the pain from self-harm shows them “At least I’m still alive,” (see point 2) as one of my clients described it.
What Exactly is Self-Harm?
The general definition of self harm is any action deliberately harming oneself physically as a way of dealing with difficult or overwhelming emotions.
How do People Self-Harm?
There are a number of ways in which people can self harm. Cutting is the most common. However, other methods include burning, scratching, hair pulling, biting, picking at skin and wounds, and hitting one’s self and/or head.
Self-Harm as a Coping Tool
I tell all my clients the brain’s number one concern is our immediate survival. This is where I marvel at our brains. Our brains work so hard to protect us that they will come up with anything, do anything, as long as it works to protect us right here, right now. Because if we do not survive right now we are not going to be alive later to decide whether or not we regret what we just did.
The mind—which I conceptualize as our logical part with our critical thinking and problem-solving parts—decides whether or not something is a good idea. The problem is, even if the mind knows self-harm is a bad idea, as most who engage in self-harm know this, it needs to come up with a better alternative in order for the brain not to choose self-harm. Simply knowing “This is a bad idea” is not enough.
How many times have we heard dialogue like this in a movie?
“This is crazy!”
“Do you have a better idea?”
A similar conversation goes on between the brain and the mind.
Why is Self-Harm a Coping Tool?
First, why it works. Harm to the body increases adrenaline and endorphin production. This induces both a greater sense of control and a relaxation effect. These, in turn, help to tolerate one’s emotions and regulate the nervous system.
There are many reasons why a person may not have learned how to regulate their emotions and nervous system:
· It can be due to trauma throughout childhood.
· It could be due to parents who likewise do not know how to regulate their emotions and thus never modeled it for their child.
· It could also be a child getting lost in the shuffle of family life. Think “middle child syndrome.”
· It could also be a person who, for one reason or another, finds intense emotion distressing.
For those who feel numb and dead inside severe depression and trauma are frequently the root causes.
How Do I Help Someone Who Self Harms?
There is a lot of information out there on how you can help your loved ones if you suspect they are self-harming. Below is a few suggestions. For more information on each them please visit Banner Health and Mental Health First Aid.org. There are also more resources as the bottom of this post.
1) Avoid judgement
2) Reassure and be supportive
3) Express your concern comes from caring
4) Provided educational information/resources
5) Seek understanding
6) Do not dismiss
7) Do not ask for promises
8) Try to be accepting and normalize
9) Encourage professional help
Counseling & Help For Self Harm in the Chicago Area
As a therapist, I have worked with many, many clients who do or have self-harmed. If you like to speak to me or Ilyssa, or any other therapist on the Obsidian Counseling team, about helping you or a loved one with symptoms like this please do not hesitate to reach out to us. We offer online therapy to individuals in the Chicago area and throughout Illinois.
Take the steps below to begin therapy:
OTHER SERVICES AT OBSIDIAN COUNSELING AND WELLNESS
When you work with a therapist at our counseling practice in the Chicago, IL area, you will be met with compassion and authenticity. We won’t judge you, and we assume there are reasons for all of your actions…even self harm. We’re here to help you find healing and make meaningful change in your life. Our therapists are honored to help guide folks, including teenagers, along their healing process. Specifically, we help people in addressing anxiety, trauma, and work stress. One of our more unique services is yoga therapy, which can also be done using online sessions. Additionally, we specialize in supporting LGBTQIA+ folks for a variety of issues. We hope that you take the leap to begin counseling with us. You deserve it.
About the Author/Therapist
Kari Holman is an LCPC in Illinois who believes you are the expert on your own mental health. She is able to help clients with a wide range of mental health concerns and specializes in providing counseling and psychotherapy services to the Latinx and LGBTQIA communities. If you’re interested in working directly with Kari, or have any questions about this blog post, please call (847) 450-0460 or email her at kariholmancounseling@gmail.com.
Other Resources Related to Self Harm
For more resources on how to help someone who self-harms, including what to say or not say, please see the follow:
Self.com – 5 Helpful Things to Say to a Friend Who Self-Harms (and 3 to Avoid)
Executive Dysfunction: Why the Easiest Tasks are So Hard
Are you a person who has struggled their whole life with staying organized, focused, or on time? Are you a person who has lately noticed that you just can’t make yourself do even the most simple of tasks? Maybe the laundry has been in the dryer for four days and you just haven’t folded it. Or the dishwasher needs to be unloaded, and it will take less than five minutes, but it just doesn’t get done. Or you stand in the middle of the room either wondering what you were about to do or questioning what you should do next.
If you are, you may be experiencing Executive Dysfunction.
Our executive functions are a broad group of mental skills that allow us to complete a wide range of tasks and engage with others. This includes:
· Focus and concentration
· Managing time
· Organization and planning
· Processing and analyzing information
· Problem solving
· Remembering details
These functions are higher order skills and take time to develop which is why children can struggle with organizing their lives, staying focused, etc. but improve as they get older. An impairment in these skills, that is to say executive dysfunction, is not a standalone condition but can be a feature of multiple mental health diagnoses including ADHD, Bipolar disorders, Alzheimer’s, and depression. Brain injuries, particularly to the frontal lode, can also cause problems with executive functioning.
When it is part of a diagnosable disorder like those mentioned above executive dysfunction can be a life-long struggle. But it can also be a symptom of, hopefully, temporary struggles. Non-disorder causes can included:
· Exhaustion
· Severe pain
· Stress
· Distracting environments
· Drug or alcohol use
· Severe boredom
In these cases, once the cause is eliminated the executive dysfunction dissapte. At the time of this writing, the US is coping with a pandemic and related quarantine measures. The stress thereof, and even the boredom of staying home without one’s regular schedule and activities, can contribute to executive dysfunction.
Individuals with even a mild level of executive dysfunction may recognize in themselves some of the following symptoms:
· Trouble planning, organizing, starting, or completing tasks
· Trouble listening or paying attention
· Short term memory issues
o such as remembering something that was just said
· Issues with “multitasking” or balancing tasks
o such as starting and stopping multiple chores without finishing any of them.
· Difficulty in learning or processing new information
Moderate to severe dysfunction, such as seen in some individuals with ADHD, Autism and Alzheimer’s can appear as:
· Trouble controlling emotions and impulses
· Socially inappropriate behavior
· Inability to learn from past consequences
Any of these symptoms of executive dysfunction can lead to poor work or school performance, problems with forming and maintaining relationships, low motivation, loss of interest in activities, avoidance of difficult tasks, and low mood.
So What Can Be Done?
There is no medication to make executive dysfunction go away, although there is evidence that stimulant medications can help with some aspects of executive dysfunction for those with a long-term diagnosis. In addition to this, and/or if you believe your symptoms are because of a temporary cause, a professional therapist can help you learn how to improve your time management, your work habits, focus, and managing your work and living space.
Some find benefit from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as it can teach a person how to self-monitor thoughts and behaviors as well as social skills training to help one learn culturally appropriate responses in social situations.
If you would like to speak to any of us here at Obsidian Counseling about helping you with symptoms like this please do not hesitate to reach out to us. You can contact us at the following:
Ilyssa Lasky –
(224) 255-4411
Kari Holman –
(847) 450-0460
kariholmancounseling@gmail.com
Resources:
ADDitude – Children’s Executive Functions
ADDitude – Treatments and Strategies
Headway Brain Injury Association