Staying Sane When the View Never Changes: Handling Family Life During Quarantine

One of the unexpected side effects of living in prolonged quarantine is the upending of family norms, family schedule, and even family tolerance of each other.  Families are currently stuck in a perpetual present absent of future planning and absent of private space.  Even in homes without enough rooms for each member to claim their own, the truth is there is little day-to-day variety including seeing other people outside of family members.  Or at the very least, being away from family members long enough to miss them such as after a day of work or school.

 As a result tensions rise, patience gets thin, and even the way someone sneezes can become unaccountably annoying.  So what can families do to help each other keep peace and stay sane while we continue to isolate for everyone’s safety?

 Parents

The good news is, children and teens are versatile and adaptable and really can thrive in a variety of settings as long as good parenting and good family life is maintained.  Ways to help your teens and children are outlined below.  But for the parents, however, the uncertainty and fear on top of that bring to do right by your kids while maintaining safety, and structure and…is overwhelming.

1)    This is a different type of situation that may call for a different kind of parent.

 That’s okay.

 2)    This is a different type of situation that may turn you into a different kind of parent.  

 That’s okay, too.

3)    Maintain aspects of your normal routine. 

 While they may argue to the contrary, children feel safer when they have a routine.  Routines are predictable and thus not as scary.  Keeping things predictable can lessen fear for children and remind parents there are things they can control.  Not everything about your normal routine can be maintained during this time, of course, but maintaining the same bed times, meal times, and chore times gives everyone a firm base to stand on.  Keep it simple.

4)    Take care of yourself/selves

 This means try to eat healthy, try to exercise (a walk around the block is great), and try to get enough sleep.  Find ways to decompress and take breaks.  If you have another adult in the family or older children, take turns watching the little ones so everyone can have some off time.

 5)    Make time for yourself/selves

 Private adult time is more important now than ever. Take time to talk with each other.  Date night can even still happen. I am a personal fan of The Art of Manliness’s “18 At-Home Date Ideas.”

 6)    Breathe! And assess

 While it sounds clichéd taking deep breathes is physiologically and psychologically beneficial.  If you are feeling overwhelmed or especially stressed out or just hit the “freak out” nerve, take a few deep breathes (having a private cry is also acceptable) and ask yourself a) Are we in immediate danger? B) How am I going to feel about this problem tomorrow? C) Is this situation permanent?

 And if by “this situation” you mean the quarantine and the pandemic – no.  It is not permanent. It is not the “new normal.” It will end.

Families with Children

 Children rely on their parents for a sense of safety both emotionally and physically.  It can be hard to know what to say when you yourself are also feeling scared and uncertain.  As the quarantine continues you may be noticing your children are having new emotional outbursts and behavioral problems that were not there before.  Remember, children do not have the brain development to fully perceive what they are feeling, the words to fully express it, nor the insight to identify cause and effect between their environment and their emotions.

1)    First of all, be patient.

A lot to ask, I know.

2)    Address your children’s fears

 Answer your children’s questions about the pandemic simply and honestly.  It is okay to say people are getting sick.  Just follow it up with how rules like handwashing, mask wearing, and staying home help to keep the family and their friends safe.

 3)    Acknowledge and validate your child’s feelings

 Children always want to feel heard, and now more than ever.  You can absolutely say to your child “I can see that you are angry because you can’t have a friend over.  It really stinks, doesn’t it?”  Or if you do not know what has caused the behavior you can also say “Yeah, things are hard, aren’t they?  Let’s figure out together what’s making you so sad right now,” and then whatever it is validate it.

Remember, validation should not be followed with “yes, but.”  For example, “I know you’re sad because you wanted to play the game, but we have to share.”  Instead, saying something like “I know you’re sad because you wanted to play the game.  Can you help me find an answer that will help everyone?”  This is validating and it also empowers your child to be part of the solution.

4)    Tell your child before you leave the house

 In a calm and reassuring tone tell you child where you are going, how long you will be gone, when you except to return, and what safety steps you are taking.

School-age children have a solid understanding of death and its permanence but they may not have a full understanding of diseases and microscopic organisms. For some children, Covid-19 may seem a ghostly and unseen threat that can whisk their loved ones away to the hospital.  Therefore, let your children know rather than “disappearing.”  Even a teen can benefit from a text message or a note on the kitchen table.

5)    Just give them hugs.

Maybe your child is just too inconsolable to help you find a solution.  Maybe your child is going along just fine.  Either way, times are scary and extra hugs and “I love yous” can go a long way.

Families with Teens

 Social isolation is particularly difficult for teenagers.  Developmentally they are hardwired to be supremely focused on their peers.  While this can be aggravating (questions about bridges and jumping come to mind) it is actually healthy behavior.  What then can be done for these young people who are naturally peer-focused but denied meaningful access to them?

1)    Share information about the pandemic and quarantine honestly

 Be calm and factual in order to help ease your teen’s concerns.  Discuss facts as they become available and be sure to correct and misinformation that you may hear.  Reiterate the importance of safety protocols such as hand washing and wearing masks in public.  

It is also not a bad idea to limit your teen’s consumption of news media if they are consuming hours of content. As an anxiety response they may be searching for an expert or authority that will say the magic words that will calm them.  Or they may be trying to control their situation by consuming all of the information so they are extra prepared.

2)    Stress staying home saves lives

The longer the quarantine goes on the antsier teens are going to get.  Review the importance of social distancing as a way to slow the spread of the virus and protect everyone.  Be sure to emphasize there is “no cheating” on the safety rules and that is it not okay to hang out with friends or engage in outdoor sports or gatherings.

3)    Be on the lookout for increased depression and suicide risk

 Talk with your teen about how they are feeling through all this.  Yes, that can be like pulling teeth in the best of times.  Watch for signs that your teen is struggling and may need extra support whether that is from you, another family member, or a mental health professional.  Most therapists, including Obsidian Counseling, are conducting virtual video sessions.

Increases in depression can be expected in anyone during this time, and this is particularly true for adolescents who are not able to enact their peer-focused developmental mission.  If your teen has a history of depression and/or suicide risk be particularly vigilant.

4)    Risky times call for risky behaviors

 This is always a risk with teens.  The same factors that may cause an increase in depression in your teen may also cause an increase in desire for risky behaviors.  Talk with your teen about how this is an especially important time to avoid vaping or smoking, for example.  Medical experts have warned that these habits can harm lung health and immune function, which means a potentially increased risk for COVID-19 infection.

5)    Make dinner a coming together time.

 It can be a conversational time “My favorite part of today was…,” “Today I am grateful for…,” or a time to share a quiet moment.  Dinner is a classic transitional time for the ending of the day and the beginning of the evening and winding down time.  Even if you have a sulky teen sharing company with others, even silently, is beneficial.

6)    Be generous with “private time.”

It is completely normal for teens to want more privacy away from their families.  Even if they are not up to mischief.  Given your teen(s) space for quiet time, music time, YouTube time, friend time, etc. 

 Teens are particularly keyed in to virtual spaces.  Encourage virtual hangouts with their friends whether it is FaceTime, Zoom, gaming platforms, or hobby based websites like Discord, which is a chat service for gamers.  

 If you have a gamer teen or a social media teen now may not be a bad time to ease any time limits or restrictions as they can connect and interact with their friends through online games or social media such as SnapChat.  Assuming, of course, this has not been a point of difficulty in the past.

7)    Empower your teen through responsibilities at home.

I imagine if your teen reads that sentence they will come for my head.  Allow me to elaborate: routines have changed and everyone is stressed.  You may need some extra help in caring for younger siblings or keeping the house clean.  While your teen may want to stay in their room all day and night, talk with them about how they can help out the other adults in the house.

 Maybe they pick out a few dinners for the week, or even help plan and/or cook it.  Or they can teach their siblings a dance, or a fun game, or just chase them around the backyard while you take a long, hot shower.

 Being asked to step forward to help the other adults (none of this “pull your weight” or “act your age” nonsense) can be empowering for teens.  Instead of “pull your weight” or “act your age” try “I could really use another pair of competent hands” or “I know you’d rather being doing X, but can I grab 20 minutes of your time?”

Everything about this quarantine is difficult.  If you have questions, concerns, or think you or a family member would benefit from talking to a mental health professional please do not hesitate to reach out to us here at Obsidian Counseling & Wellness.  We are offering video/ “telehealth” sessions to keep everyone safe during this time.

Common But Often UNKNOWN Symptoms of Quarantine Stress and Trauma

Being quarantined in our homes for an unknown length of time has been a unique and particular struggle for everyone.  It has required reordering and rethinking our day and taking on additional responsibilities we had never intended.  This is the top worry - the safety of all of our loved ones.

 As a result many, many people are experiencing symptoms of acute stress and trauma and do not know it.  Social media is full of people questioning and bemoaning their lack of progress on projects and even daily chores.  This is because, for many, this is the first time they are experiencing a major traumatic situation.  As a result they do not recognize their behaviors and thoughts for what they are: mental health symptoms.

Common Symptoms of Stress & Trauma Experienced During Quarantine

 Below are some of the most commonly experienced but least recognized symptoms that I have seen people experiencing during this quarantine.  

 If you recognize any of these in yourself or a loved one, please remember this: there is nothing wrong with you! Your brain is doing its absolute best to take care of you.  

1)    Memory loss and memory issues

 Short term memory can be particularly affected.  Memory issues can also include a distorted sense of time wherein time can either crawl or rush past you.

2)    Executive Dysfunction

 The best description I’ve heard for executive dysfunction is “brain buffering.”  You may find yourself thinking of absolutely nothing while at the same time trying to remember what you were just doing.  It can also look like saying to yourself, “I need to get up and do that dishes” and then just sitting there and sitting there while thinking, “Just get up and do the dishes!”  There’s no identifiable reason why you are not getting up.  You just aren’t.

3)    Inability to Make Even Small Decisions

This relates to executive dysfunction and is regularly accomplished by distress or frustration when a person tries to force themselves to make the decision.

4)    “Forgetting” Activities of Daily Living

 Activities of Daily Living (ADLs) are things like eating, showering, putting on clean clothes, using the toilet, etc.  What is actually going on is you’re likely not perceiving the cues from your body asking for these things.  As a result you are “forgetting” to take care of yourself because you are not picking up on the reminders that you’re hungry, or need the bathroom, or really should shower.

5)    Confusion or Brain Fog

 This can also be accompanied by slight dizziness or balance issues.

 6)    Sleep issues

This one is incredibly common.  A person may be sleeping too much or too little, or struggle to fall asleep or stay asleep.  Unspecific bad dreams and nightmares can also happen during times of trauma or acute stress.

 7)    Stomach and food-related issues

 Like sleeping issues a person may begin eating too much or too little.  A person may feel nauseous all the time.  A person can also have no interest in food even when they know they are hungry.

8)    Dissociation

Dissociation is feeling like there is a glass, a film, or a barrier between you and everything else.  Or, between you and your own body. This disconnection happens to stop the trauma memories/thoughts and to lower your fear, anxiety, and shame.

9)    Intrusive Thoughts

These are loops of, usually, bad thoughts.  If you have found yourself thinking the same negative thoughts over and over again, even when you try to think about other things then you are trapped into what is a negative feedback loop.  

Intrusive thoughts can also take the form of negative spiraling thoughts; wherein the first thought might not be too bad but before you know it you have come to the absolute worst case scenario you can possibly imagine.

10) Shortness of breath and heart palpitations

These symptoms are frequently mistaken for a heart attack but are actually common indicators of anxiety or a panic attack.  If you have any doubts, however, call 911.

11)  Auditory Processing Issues

This is experienced as watching someone speak (or listening to music/watching TV) but being unable to understand what they said even if you hear them clearly.

This may be watching someone speak but being unable to understand what they said even if you hear them perfectly.  You may also struggle to separate the conversation you are having from the background noise of a TV or other conversation.

 12) Sounds and Sensations are More Irritating than Normal

This encompasses all of your senses.  It could be forks scraping or birds chirping, or being touched, or feeling a scratchy fabric, or even the sound of silence.  Your brain struggles to fully function until the sound stops.  This can also be recognized by an instant reaction of distress, discomfort, or even anger that is out of proportion to the sensation.

If you are now wondering what you can do about these symptoms below are are links from the Department of Veteran Affairs that provide tips on how to help yourself and loved ones during this time:

Managing Stress Associated with the COVID-19 Virus Outbreak

Helpful Thinking During the Coronavirus (COVID-19) Outbreak

Tips for Providing Support to Others During the Coronavirus (COVID-19) Outbreak

Of course, you can also reach out to a mental health professional.  Many of us are offering video or “telehealth” online counseling sessions during the quarantine.  The thearpists here at Obsidian Counseling & Wellness are ready and eager to help you.