Why is Making Friends as an Adult so F*^$#%@ Hard?
The process of making new friends at any age has its own obstacles and can be daunting.
It can be difficult as an adult to make friends compared to your younger years. Unlike most of your younger life, you don't find yourself in spaces with opportunities for formative bonding.
As a young child, you tend to make friends very organically. As an adult, you must become very deliberate in your journey to make friends. This means that making new friends as an adult becomes a much more purposeful task. Making a friend while you’re young can be as simple as, “You’re wearing a blue shirt, so am I!” or “Wow, you’re playing soccer, I like Soccer!”. That doesn’t quite work as an adult.
Why Is Making New Friends As An Adult So Hard?
It is no surprise that our society is vastly different from when we were younger.
This societal change is sometimes referred to as a liquid society.
Liquid Society is a term first coined by sociologist Zygmunt Bauman. He stipulated that modern society is in a state equal to, or similar to, liquid. It's in a constant flux represented in changes in our relationships, identities and so much more. Our “liquid life” can leave us feeling like we are in a constate state of instability and uncertainty.
Not surprisingly that uncertainty shows up in areas like making friends as an adult. Back in the day, we lived in the same community, the same house, and went to the same school with the same kids. That continuity allowed the creation of long-lasting friendships that valued consistency and continuity.
Now, we may find our life-long friends moving out of state for careers, family, or whatever else.
This can leave us with the question, “How in the heck am I supposed to create and maintain friendships? Ones that allow for depth and longevity when our society advocates for change and adaptability?”
Yes, I know. Sucks, right? The circumstantial friendships require a reinvention of ourselves and our relationships throughout life. It's exhausting.
Our brains crave patterns, stability, and certainty. Without it, the uncertainty causes the alert system to activate and, in a sense, it creates pain (hello, anxiety!). Whereas certainty makes the brain feel satisfied and calm.
What To Do About The Liquid Life?
Great, now you understand why everything is so hard. Job is done! Just kidding. One of the first steps in online therapy in Illinois is understanding why something is creating pain. However, society pushing for shallow friendships doesn't mean that is something that aligns with your values.
So, for real…how do I make friends?
How to Make New Friends?
Simple as 1, 2, 3, 4. Here are four easy steps to start exploring and succeeding in making friends as an adult:
1. Take Inventory
What are your current relationships like and where do you want them to be?
Are you okay being flexible and adapting to new types of relationships or do you need more time spent in relationships?
Do you know what things you value in a friendship?
What determines a successful, worthwhile friendship?
Once you’ve done some soul searching and some serious journaling, consider this:
2. Taking Initiative
Reach out
Introduce yourself to new acquaintances
Try to find things in common by asking them questions
Ask for their contact information before departing
Incorporate social media (if you’re into that thing)
Comment on relatable posts and make a virtual connection
Organize a get-together
Create future plans in an alternative environment
Choose a place and activity that appeals to all individuals involved
Commit
Make and commit to plans
Put these plans on your calendar
Participate in non-work-related activities with coworkers
Happy hours, going out to eat and going for walks during your lunch allow for getting to know people outside the workplace
Look for activities that create multiple opportunities to connect
Repeated classes such as sports leagues, cooking classes, or improve groups
Accept
Say yes to invitations from new acquaintances
Keep in mind that they invited you because they like you and want to hang out with you
Keep a positive and open mindset
Challenge any negative self-talk or doubt related to your ability to create new, meaningful friendships
3. Maintaining New Relationships
Consistency
It is important to continue to show up and be physically present
Exposure leads to becoming more familiar and comfortable
Text or call those you are not able to see as often
Show that you are interested in their well-being by keeping in touch when you do not have the ability to make plans
Put time and effort into relationships you want to pursue even if they move to Alaska!
Important to keep your priorities straight
If you want to maintain a friendship, prioritize that friendship
It can be easy to become busy and lose contact at a quick rate
Set reminders for yourself to check in with those you haven’t been in contact with as recently
4. Sustaining friendships
Quality, not quantity
Focus on those strengthening your relationships with those whose company you truly enjoy
To receive all of the benefits of friendship, you must be happy with the relationships you hold with other individuals
Some of the strongest friendships are based on shared experiences
Be vulnerable
It’s important to ask friends about their experiences, opinions, and feelings. But, it is just as important to share these same aspects of yourself with them
Self-disclosure allows a causal connection to deepen into a more valuable friendship
Benefits of Friendship
The benefits of friendship often lead to healthier and fulfilled lives. If the meaning of life is enjoying the passage of time, then you might as well dive into friendships headfirst. You can acknowledge that there are societal forces at play that make obtaining friends as an adult challenging. But it does not mean it is impossible.
It is important that human beings have a sense of stability and connection with one another.
Solid and supportive friendships help to improve a person’s mental health, which in turn can be linked to better physical health. Sometimes, the idea of initiating new social relationships makes you anxious. In this case, try to do things beforehand that make you feel good about yourself or relaxed.
Remember, there are more people looking for a chance to make new friends than you think.
Believe it or not but other people feel the pain of finding friends as an adult. They, too, see how hard it is to maintain a deep long-lasting friendship in our social climate. Over time, your confidence to create new social connections will begin to increase. If you’re feeling stuck, friendship therapy (yes, this is a thing) with old friends or counseling to get a leg up on your confidence is a great addition to your success.
Consider Therapy to help with making friends in Northbrook, IL
We know that making friends is hard work. However, we want you to know that it doesn’t have to be that way! And you deserve healing. That’s why the online therapists at our therapy practice based in Chicago, IL offer therapy directed at increasing your confidence and helping you make friends in Illinois via online therapy. We want to help you connect with yourself and begin healing from the comfort of your own home. Take the steps below to get started.
Fill out a consult form here.
Start connecting with yourself and experience the healing you deserve!
OTHER SERVICES AT OBSIDIAN COUNSELING AND WELLNESS
When you work with a therapist at our counseling practice in the Northshore of Chicago and all of Illinois, you will be met with compassion and authenticity. The team at our therapy practice feels honored to help guide folks along their healing process. Specifically, we help people in addressing anxiety, trauma, and work stress. We also specialize in supporting LGBTQIA+ folks for a variety of issues. We hope that you take the leap to begin counseling with us. You deserve it.