People Pleaser Causes and Effects
People-pleasers are some of the nicest people we meet. We can always count on them for a favor. They are ready to help and can never say NO. They keep everyone around them happy and comfortable. They frequently self-sacrifice to maintain others’ relationships smooth. As great as this sounds, these behaviors can also take a personal toll on people-pleasers.
We humans are social creatures. We want to belong. We want to be loved and valued especially in our close relationships. The desire to please someone is not uncommon, nor is it a cause for concern. But if we are doing something because we fear rejection, there is a strong chance that we have crossed the line of being nice to being a people-pleaser.
Many of us confuse people-pleasing with kindness. We do kind things for a variety of reasons:because we want to help, return a favor or to feel good about ourselves. The biggest indicator of people-pleasing is the difficulty in saying “No” to others. But when we often suppress our own needs, desires and urges to put others needs ahead of our own, it may only feel good temporarily and can cause distress and behavioral issues if not addressed.
Signs that you are a people-pleaser
There is no clinical definition for people-pleasing. It is not a medical diagnosis or a personality trait that can be measured. It is more of an informal label to describe a variety of behaviors. Though most of us make choices on when and how we can help our friends and family, a person with people-pleasing tendencies will have anxiety any time they have to say no. They will agree to help even when they do not want to or are not able to do so.
People Pleaser tendencies can show up in a few different ways:
1. You cannot say NO:
a. You want to be accepted and liked by everyone and you think the best way to do that is by being agreeable. Sometimes, you say yes and then cannot follow through and fake an illness or a commitment to get out of the task
2. You feel anxious about what others think about you:
You are focused on others' perception of you. When you are not true to yourself, it can give rise to anxiety. You feel that turning people down will make you look selfish or mean.
3. You never have ‘YOU’ time:
You regularly take on extra work for others. Even if you have free time for yourself, you make yourself available to others if asked to help. You neglect your own needs in order to do things for others.
4. You go to great lengths to avoid conflict
This is different from starting conflict. But you avoid conflict at all costs, and this can mean not standing up for yourself or the things that you believe in and pretend to agree with people. You are anxious about creating unease among other individuals, be it friends or even acquaintances. You go along with people to avoid creating friction.
5. You apologize often
a. You feel you are responsible for other people’s feelings. You take responsibility and make things your concern. You are always telling people you are sorry.
6. You need constant approval:
The pressure to be liked forces you to be nice, friendly, and cheerful all the time. this might not be what you feel, so this façade can be anxiety-provoking. The validation that you get by this ‘happy’ attitude, though, is short term.
7. You feel guilty setting boundaries
This stems from the need for approval. You feel like others need you more than you need time for yourself. This can be due to someone shaming you for taking time for self-care.
Reasons for people-pleasing:
In order to recover from these behaviors, it is important to understand some of the reasons that may play a role in this. While people-pleasing is not a personality trait, individuals with low self-esteem and a history of relational trauma are more prone to developing these behaviors as a coping mechanism.
Sometimes people-pleasing behaviors develop in people because of their low awareness and value of their own desires and needs. This low self-esteem and confidence make individuals look for external validation and approval. Their search for a purpose may have led to excessive helping tendencies.
People-pleasing behaviors also develop when individuals feel anxious about fitting in and being accepted. Their agreeability is an attempt to control other people’s perceptions of themselves. They feel that they will not be liked if they do not go above and beyond to make an impression.
Culture and socialization play a big role in the development of people-pleasing behaviors. Putting others needs ahead of one’s own is touted in a lot of cultures. Some may learn that total selflessness is a virtue or that the collective good is more important that the individual’s needs. In some cultures, inequity can reinforce the idea that some people are meant to ‘be cared for’. For example, this may have given rise to women internalizing the idea that their maternal attitude makes then natural caregivers and to always put others needs first.
Traumatic past experiences play an important role in individuals developing people-pleasing behaviors. Research has shown that apart from fleeing, fighting, and freezing we also develop fawning in response to traumatic events. This is an extreme form of people-pleasing that involves getting the approval of those we fear, to survive. We do this to avoid abusive behaviors in others.
Effects and risks of being a people-pleaser
People-pleasing is not necessarily a bad thing. Being helpful and caring to those around us is important in developing good relationships. These behaviors become an issue when you engage in them at the expense of your emotional health. If you disregard your needs and focus on others’ approval, you risk several emotional and other consequences.
When helping people comes from of a place of obligation, responsibility, and reluctance, it may lead to feelings of anger. This can lead to feeling resentful and frustrated and make you feel like others are taking advantage of you. This can lead to passive aggressive behavior in some individuals.
A continuous effort to keep others happy can be exhausting, mentally. Constantly ignoring your needs in lieu of others’ desires can deplete your mental resources and leave you feeling fatigued.
Ignoring your physical health and overbooking yourself to help others can lead to stress and anxiety. This can in turn lead to a reduced immune system and have negative health consequences.
Having your mental and physical resources stretched thin can make you unhappy and affect your relationships with your loved ones. The short-lived happiness from feeling validated can get replaced with a feeling of being taken for granted. People may fail to notice when you need help, if you are the one who is always offering it to others.
As you focus on others, you may lose sight of your identity and what is important to you. You may lose sight of your personal goals and fail to show up as your authentic self in your interactions with others.
Ways to stop being a people-pleaser:
As a people-pleaser, you have are in the habit of not thinking about yourself when somebody else is in need. It is difficult to retrain the brain to balance your desire to make others happy, while also paying attention to your own. However, there are steps that you can take.
The first step is to give yourself grace and be kind in your efforts to change something that has become a big part of you. You can then start with saying no to small requests or even ask for help. If saying no immediately is difficult, allow yourself time before making a decision. This will help you evaluate the effort and time involved in doing the requested favor. Taking the time can help you remember your goals and priorities. This does not mean that you are giving up on being kind and thoughtful. These are great traits that foster lasting bonds. But do kind deeds on your own terms and because you want to do them to help someone and not because you fear rejection.
Remember that all relationships require give and take. Reciprocity breeds strong connections. It is important to be aware that others should also be able to give back to you in return. Be willing to ask for help even if its small. Every step you take will increase your confidence in your ability to be yourself.
When to seek help for People Pleasing:
Look inward and think about where these behaviors come from and where they are taking you. Seek help to heal from past wounds. If people-pleasing behaviors are getting in the way of your professional and personal wellbeing, talk to a mental health professional.
We can help you prioritize your needs and establish healthy relationship strategies.